Thanksgiving just passed. It was a special one this year as some of my family came in from out of town. I saw family that I haven’t seen since my wedding. It was a great time of fellowship, laughter, and stretchy pants. Now I have Christmas to look forward to. Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. I love everything about it. The meaning behind it, the get-togethers, the giving of gifts, the decorations, the food, EVERYTHING. But, this year, its hard to be as excited for Christmas as I usually am. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still excited, but it’s different this year. Holidays are a little different this year. Holidays are different ever since our #infertility journey began. I’m sure most other couples experiencing infertility would have to agree.
You see, I naively thought that I’d be pregnant by Christmas. I prayed that we would get pregnant on our own without any medical intervention. I figured surely our IUIs would work if it came to that. And even if the IUIs didn’t work, I thought for sure that I would have my egg retrieval and embryo transfer by Christmas. I had it all thought out as to how I’d announce our rainbow baby to our families. It would be the best Christmas ever because I would be expecting and I would be able to tell our families the good news on my favorite holiday. I had it planned out how I would announce it. I know it sounds dumb, but nevertheless, it was my hope and prayer.
In addition, holidays remind me of all my dreams of having children and a big family and enjoying those holidays with them. The pure joy on a child’s face when opening presents, explaining to them the story of Christ’s birth, dressing a baby in holiday outfits, family pictures, and just enjoying the holiday as a family. But, now, it’s a reminder that I don’t have those things. I know this makes me sound ungrateful, as I am so blessed, but I can’t help but to feel this way. I so look forward to being able to experience the holidays with a child. Most of all, OUR child.
I know I am blessed. I have a loving, understanding and forgiving God, wonderful and loving husband, incredible family, fulfilling career, stable home, and overall health and wellness. But, it’s hard to not feel a void, especially around the holidays. But, one day, when I am able to announce a pregnancy, I know it will feel that much more special. I know that I will cherish each holiday immensely once I have my own children. For now, I keep hanging on to the thoughts of the future. With all the negative pregnancy tests throughout my journey, I daily hold on to the hope of that one positive test.
Fact about infertility:
Of those experiencing infertility, only 3% have to undergo advanced infertility treatment such as in vitro fertilization.